Excellent read. I especially appreciate the poetic mode of writing. Well done on that front. I was raised Southern Baptist and later became a "1689 Confessional Reformed Baptist" (a mouth full, I know). I had many theological hangups banging around in my head for a long time as well. My introduction to Orthodox Christianity was through a local deacon who is now my priest, and later through participation in the local Orthodox community. I had all that theology banging around in my head, too. I couldn't overcome some of those things and ended up being Anglican for a moment. Perhaps some will say I'm a cliche, but I'm okay with it. The truth is that I had an encounter and experience that was beyond any theology book or apologetic video. There are two things I can say about this with words: (1) Christ is *real* and the Theotokos is truly our Protectress... I can't say more about this here. (2) The Orthodox Church has the means of dealing with sin and finding one's way to God that is certain. This is more than merely participating in "exotic" rituals. It is more than being "in the right group/tradition". It is far more grounded and profoundly personal than it may seem on the surface from your perspective. I know you've done your homework on things... But I do think it's true that folks who are not Orthodox are limited in their understanding simply because they haven't participated in the rhythms of Orthodox life... Imagine trying to explain what it's like to be married to your wife to a single person, or the birth of your child to the same, and that's the difference between an Orthodox and Protestant in terms of comprehension. It's not a fault of intelligence or reason. It's simply a lack of experience, and it's nothing to hold against a person.
“Some days it feels like the richest portrait of the Christian life. Others it feels an odd interpolation of the gospel I’ve been accustomed to seeing in the Scriptures. Not bad per se, but different—a way, a beautiful way, but when it masquerades as the only way, I falter at the finish line, unable to say that the saints I know elsewhere aren’t on the ark.” I can’t tell you how much I resonate with that entire paragraph. Have been attending an Orthodox Church for over half a year now, & I would describe my experience exactly the same way. I've watched people who've come after me become catechumens before me, and here I am, still unable to make that last step. Yet so joyful for & envious of everyone who can.
Your comments on the criticisms of Orthodoxy are, I believe, much more present in online orthobro forums than in real life. They are worries, to be sure. No arguments there.
They are deadly slopes to be avoided and I will not say they are not true in some places (ancient faith just recently released a video by a heiromonk warning against this very sort of error), but I don’t believe they are as much a reality on the ground as they are in conservative evangelical circles or chronically online orthodox circles. The “red-pilled” people and similar that come to our community, at least, either leave once they realize we do not offer what they are looking for or, much better yet, begin to change and repent. And we’re in the rural US.
Anyway, it’s a beautiful story and I would love for you to someday find your own room within Orthodoxy (your content, oddly, was helpful on my own journey to Orthodoxy), but mostly I hope you are able to better know and be transformed by the Truth who calls us all to himself.
I think you’re right about it being a primarily online phenomenon. My goal in calling these things “a cheap instagram filter” is that they’re more a statement about effects on my perception rather than the thing itself. For instance, I saw none of those unsavory qualities in the church being described, but yet I find my fond memories commingling with these less fond associations. Anyway, that’s solidly in the “me issue” category. I appreciate you reading this and sharing such thoughtful reflections!
This is very beautiful and hits so close to home for me.
"jealous of an experience I’ll never have because he entered a room by doors that are closed to me"
I was baptised into the Anglican church this past week, praise God! but feel quite melancholy about leaving the unique beauty of the Catholic church behind. As I have come to Christianity I have had friends convert to Catholicism, some who have found a deep and beautiful peace, and others who experienced the opposite, eventually leaving the faith all together. For all the people who are searching and have congregated around your channel, as I have, I pray that no matter the doors that open themselves, and whichever doors they step through, they find peace, and that God sustains them on the path to sainthood.
Thank you for your writing and videos Austin, I find a lot of peace, joy, and understanding in your little corner of the internet.
Hi Austin, thanks for sharing this. We converted from Lutheranism (LCMS) to Orthodoxy 7 years ago, and it was pure, raw, beautiful moments like this which convinced me whole-heartedly that Orthodoxy was the place for us. I had never seen things like this in any other context. Nothing was performative--everything was full of life and energy!
Being out of the "honeymoon stage" I see more of the wrinkles in Orthodoxy than I did at the beginning (the realities of close congregational life, geo-politics, online Orthodoxy, etc). However, by keeping my attention on my parish and my own spiritual growth, attending the services, and practicing Christianity in my daily life, I continue to experience joy after joy. Obviously I fail at this, but Christ is faithful.
I also wanted to talk about your concerns about Eliza, as others have. Not to brag, but just to relate my experience--I'm a college professor, I have a PhD (after writing what would be classified a "feminist" dissertation on spiritual maternity), and was fairly liberal in my early adulthood, and continue to work closely with very, very liberal people who I genuinely respect and admire. Still, I feel more valued as a woman in an Orthodox context than I ever did as a Lutheran. As another commenter explained, the prevalence of female saints (several of them "equal to the apostles") and the Theotokos really contributes to this, as well visits to the nearby women's monastery (also with an algae-covered pond, lol--it must be a thing). And although I don't currently wear a head covering, I am considering it. Some will explain it's about humility, guarding against vanity, etc. Though that could be a part of it, I've read and heard much richer, powerful explanations.
I appreciate the comment as well. And I would like to add that I am also a woman in academia, in upper administration and with a science PhD. I have experienced nothing but respect in my congregation and I love the depictions and reference to the Theotokos and the Saints, especially the female ones. I would also like to echo other comments that online Orthodoxy (and the bros) and real life parish life are very different. Nothing is perfect, but as a former Lutheran, I absolutely think the Orthodox Church is the best thing to experience the fullness of the faith. Come and see.
The baptism under the jeep lights, the oil on your friend’s skin, the nuns’ headlamps casting flickers on pond water—it’s all so tactile, so drenched in grace that refuses spectacle. Sacrament in its native habitat.
What you’ve evoked is exactly what I’ve tried to articulate, however falteringly, in Desert and Fire—the haunting beauty of an unrepeatable encounter with the Real. And the ache that follows when the world offers only replicas. Your friend’s baptism wasn’t a performance of doctrine, but a moment soaked in eternity. And it lingers, like incense in hair, long after the service is over.
I was particularly struck by your meditation on the saints: “transparent, not even fully other but somehow a window to the Beyond.” Yes. That is the mark of holiness in its truest form—not the hardness of having arrived, but the translucence of one who has been burned hollow by Love.
And yet—your honesty in the second half, the ambivalence, the distance, the dissonance—all of it is sacred, too. I think you name a modern spiritual wound: the impossibility of pure experience in an age where every holy thing seems compromised by politics, posturing, or platform. Like you, I’ve stood before a holy fire only to feel a cold wind blow in from the world we left behind.
Still, I believe the baptism was real. Still, I believe the room exists. But perhaps the door opens when we stop looking for it to match our expectations—when we realize that grace doesn’t repeat itself. It personalizes. It incarnates.
"She didn’t preach to us, but the gospel oozed from her lips..." I am sure that the disciples on the road to Emmaus would have said the same of Jesus when He opened the Scriptures to them and their hearts were burning within them. Glory to God!
The purity of this reflection is so touching, Austin. It captures something many of us experience on our journey into the ancient Church but struggle to put into words. On my own journey, I wept many tears...some, beholding the beauty of Orthodoxy in the humble but joyous Paschal services of a little mission church serving the poor and homeless, and other tears were shed in agony over my inability to jump out of the boat I knew so well but was no longer home.
If I may be so bold to offer a thought regarding your reflection on the exclusivity of the Orthodox Church. I am not a priest nor a theologian, but a simple convert from non-denominational Christianity. A sinner, a lawyer (to some those are synonymous), a friend of many people holier than I laying their lives down for the Gospel and who do not use the adjective "Orthodox" to describe their faith. An ark, a safe house, a refuge, needs exterior walls to serve its purpose. A hospital requires specific medicine for specific illnesses. Our bodies are coded to heal themselves and reproduce using specific mechanisms and processes. There are remedies we can seek in a court of law, but in order to obtain those remedies, we must be prepared to show specific evidence to meet the test set out by statute or case law for that relief. This is the Narrow Path. Tried and true. The sage advice of a parent who has walked the talk. The learned advice of a physician who has treated many patients. In all of these instances, there are unambiguous parameters that provide clear guidance. That is what the Church is offering. All of the sacraments are gifts to help us on our journey; they are not golden tickets to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. We struggle to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, we pray for the deceased that the Lord may have mercy on them. Who are we then to play Judge? If anything, the ethos of Orthodoxy is humility; the humility to say I am the chief of sinners, even though I've been baptized into the Church. Before we partake of the Eucharist, we pray the words of the thief on the cross: Remember me O Lord when you come into your kingdom. Christ answers him: Today you will be with me in paradise. The thief was not baptized in water, yet the Lord brought him into the ark. The key to our understanding of the exclusivity of the Church is to understand the role of the Church vs. the role of the Lord. The Church follows the head, Christ, and is commissioned to keep His commandments and make disciples of the whole world, teaching them also to obey His commandments. God the Father, however, judges the earth. Let us remember the words of Christ to Peter at the end of the Gospel of John. Peter wanted to know what will happen to John and whether he will live forever. Jesus lovingly reminds Peter, "If he lives forever, what is that to you? Follow me." When I find myself tempted to judge another Christian, whether my judgment of them is positive or negative, I am often reminded of Christ's words to Peter. At the end of the day, if this person or that person is canonized a saint in the Orthodox Church or not, what is that to me? Jesus calls me to follow Him. If God is everywhere present, may I have the eyes and ears to see Him in the prisoner, the outcast, and even, a man with an orange tan.
Forgive me, brother, for my boldness. I speak only as one who has had the same question. Please, keep writing and reflecting. Your journey is a call for all of us to go deeper, humbly and authentically.
I met your friend here. It was like a divine moment. Your videos are what led me to convert 3 three years ago and I when I looked at him across the table we were setting and mentioned "gospel simplicity" we shared a knowing awe filled smile when he told me he knew you well. This was the day after his baptism. I missed you by 6 hrs. God keep you friend, He will lead you in the way you should go. Moments I've shared with your friend convince me God has a moment lined up for you that will fill that ache you have.
Excellent read. I especially appreciate the poetic mode of writing. Well done on that front. I was raised Southern Baptist and later became a "1689 Confessional Reformed Baptist" (a mouth full, I know). I had many theological hangups banging around in my head for a long time as well. My introduction to Orthodox Christianity was through a local deacon who is now my priest, and later through participation in the local Orthodox community. I had all that theology banging around in my head, too. I couldn't overcome some of those things and ended up being Anglican for a moment. Perhaps some will say I'm a cliche, but I'm okay with it. The truth is that I had an encounter and experience that was beyond any theology book or apologetic video. There are two things I can say about this with words: (1) Christ is *real* and the Theotokos is truly our Protectress... I can't say more about this here. (2) The Orthodox Church has the means of dealing with sin and finding one's way to God that is certain. This is more than merely participating in "exotic" rituals. It is more than being "in the right group/tradition". It is far more grounded and profoundly personal than it may seem on the surface from your perspective. I know you've done your homework on things... But I do think it's true that folks who are not Orthodox are limited in their understanding simply because they haven't participated in the rhythms of Orthodox life... Imagine trying to explain what it's like to be married to your wife to a single person, or the birth of your child to the same, and that's the difference between an Orthodox and Protestant in terms of comprehension. It's not a fault of intelligence or reason. It's simply a lack of experience, and it's nothing to hold against a person.
Thanks, Emmanuel! I really appreciate you sharing some of your story and your perspective on this.
“Some days it feels like the richest portrait of the Christian life. Others it feels an odd interpolation of the gospel I’ve been accustomed to seeing in the Scriptures. Not bad per se, but different—a way, a beautiful way, but when it masquerades as the only way, I falter at the finish line, unable to say that the saints I know elsewhere aren’t on the ark.” I can’t tell you how much I resonate with that entire paragraph. Have been attending an Orthodox Church for over half a year now, & I would describe my experience exactly the same way. I've watched people who've come after me become catechumens before me, and here I am, still unable to make that last step. Yet so joyful for & envious of everyone who can.
Glad this resonated with you!
Thank you for giving us a glimpse into your heart with this beautifully written reflection Austin. May Christ bless you and your wife
Your comments on the criticisms of Orthodoxy are, I believe, much more present in online orthobro forums than in real life. They are worries, to be sure. No arguments there.
They are deadly slopes to be avoided and I will not say they are not true in some places (ancient faith just recently released a video by a heiromonk warning against this very sort of error), but I don’t believe they are as much a reality on the ground as they are in conservative evangelical circles or chronically online orthodox circles. The “red-pilled” people and similar that come to our community, at least, either leave once they realize we do not offer what they are looking for or, much better yet, begin to change and repent. And we’re in the rural US.
Anyway, it’s a beautiful story and I would love for you to someday find your own room within Orthodoxy (your content, oddly, was helpful on my own journey to Orthodoxy), but mostly I hope you are able to better know and be transformed by the Truth who calls us all to himself.
I think you’re right about it being a primarily online phenomenon. My goal in calling these things “a cheap instagram filter” is that they’re more a statement about effects on my perception rather than the thing itself. For instance, I saw none of those unsavory qualities in the church being described, but yet I find my fond memories commingling with these less fond associations. Anyway, that’s solidly in the “me issue” category. I appreciate you reading this and sharing such thoughtful reflections!
This is very beautiful and hits so close to home for me.
"jealous of an experience I’ll never have because he entered a room by doors that are closed to me"
I was baptised into the Anglican church this past week, praise God! but feel quite melancholy about leaving the unique beauty of the Catholic church behind. As I have come to Christianity I have had friends convert to Catholicism, some who have found a deep and beautiful peace, and others who experienced the opposite, eventually leaving the faith all together. For all the people who are searching and have congregated around your channel, as I have, I pray that no matter the doors that open themselves, and whichever doors they step through, they find peace, and that God sustains them on the path to sainthood.
Thank you for your writing and videos Austin, I find a lot of peace, joy, and understanding in your little corner of the internet.
What a beautiful prayer. Thank you for that.
Beautifully written, friend!
Thank you!
Hi Austin, thanks for sharing this. We converted from Lutheranism (LCMS) to Orthodoxy 7 years ago, and it was pure, raw, beautiful moments like this which convinced me whole-heartedly that Orthodoxy was the place for us. I had never seen things like this in any other context. Nothing was performative--everything was full of life and energy!
Being out of the "honeymoon stage" I see more of the wrinkles in Orthodoxy than I did at the beginning (the realities of close congregational life, geo-politics, online Orthodoxy, etc). However, by keeping my attention on my parish and my own spiritual growth, attending the services, and practicing Christianity in my daily life, I continue to experience joy after joy. Obviously I fail at this, but Christ is faithful.
I also wanted to talk about your concerns about Eliza, as others have. Not to brag, but just to relate my experience--I'm a college professor, I have a PhD (after writing what would be classified a "feminist" dissertation on spiritual maternity), and was fairly liberal in my early adulthood, and continue to work closely with very, very liberal people who I genuinely respect and admire. Still, I feel more valued as a woman in an Orthodox context than I ever did as a Lutheran. As another commenter explained, the prevalence of female saints (several of them "equal to the apostles") and the Theotokos really contributes to this, as well visits to the nearby women's monastery (also with an algae-covered pond, lol--it must be a thing). And although I don't currently wear a head covering, I am considering it. Some will explain it's about humility, guarding against vanity, etc. Though that could be a part of it, I've read and heard much richer, powerful explanations.
God bless you both!
I really, really appreciate this comment. Thank you! It’s nice to hear from Orthodox women who have found the church life-giving.
I appreciate the comment as well. And I would like to add that I am also a woman in academia, in upper administration and with a science PhD. I have experienced nothing but respect in my congregation and I love the depictions and reference to the Theotokos and the Saints, especially the female ones. I would also like to echo other comments that online Orthodoxy (and the bros) and real life parish life are very different. Nothing is perfect, but as a former Lutheran, I absolutely think the Orthodox Church is the best thing to experience the fullness of the faith. Come and see.
The baptism under the jeep lights, the oil on your friend’s skin, the nuns’ headlamps casting flickers on pond water—it’s all so tactile, so drenched in grace that refuses spectacle. Sacrament in its native habitat.
What you’ve evoked is exactly what I’ve tried to articulate, however falteringly, in Desert and Fire—the haunting beauty of an unrepeatable encounter with the Real. And the ache that follows when the world offers only replicas. Your friend’s baptism wasn’t a performance of doctrine, but a moment soaked in eternity. And it lingers, like incense in hair, long after the service is over.
I was particularly struck by your meditation on the saints: “transparent, not even fully other but somehow a window to the Beyond.” Yes. That is the mark of holiness in its truest form—not the hardness of having arrived, but the translucence of one who has been burned hollow by Love.
And yet—your honesty in the second half, the ambivalence, the distance, the dissonance—all of it is sacred, too. I think you name a modern spiritual wound: the impossibility of pure experience in an age where every holy thing seems compromised by politics, posturing, or platform. Like you, I’ve stood before a holy fire only to feel a cold wind blow in from the world we left behind.
Still, I believe the baptism was real. Still, I believe the room exists. But perhaps the door opens when we stop looking for it to match our expectations—when we realize that grace doesn’t repeat itself. It personalizes. It incarnates.
“Sacrament in its native habitat.” Love that. Looking forward to checking out your writing! Thanks for such a deep reflection on this post.
This is so well written and absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing
I am deeply moved by how clearly you express things that I also wonder and feel. Thank you for sharing Austin. I appreciate you.
"She didn’t preach to us, but the gospel oozed from her lips..." I am sure that the disciples on the road to Emmaus would have said the same of Jesus when He opened the Scriptures to them and their hearts were burning within them. Glory to God!
The purity of this reflection is so touching, Austin. It captures something many of us experience on our journey into the ancient Church but struggle to put into words. On my own journey, I wept many tears...some, beholding the beauty of Orthodoxy in the humble but joyous Paschal services of a little mission church serving the poor and homeless, and other tears were shed in agony over my inability to jump out of the boat I knew so well but was no longer home.
If I may be so bold to offer a thought regarding your reflection on the exclusivity of the Orthodox Church. I am not a priest nor a theologian, but a simple convert from non-denominational Christianity. A sinner, a lawyer (to some those are synonymous), a friend of many people holier than I laying their lives down for the Gospel and who do not use the adjective "Orthodox" to describe their faith. An ark, a safe house, a refuge, needs exterior walls to serve its purpose. A hospital requires specific medicine for specific illnesses. Our bodies are coded to heal themselves and reproduce using specific mechanisms and processes. There are remedies we can seek in a court of law, but in order to obtain those remedies, we must be prepared to show specific evidence to meet the test set out by statute or case law for that relief. This is the Narrow Path. Tried and true. The sage advice of a parent who has walked the talk. The learned advice of a physician who has treated many patients. In all of these instances, there are unambiguous parameters that provide clear guidance. That is what the Church is offering. All of the sacraments are gifts to help us on our journey; they are not golden tickets to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. We struggle to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, we pray for the deceased that the Lord may have mercy on them. Who are we then to play Judge? If anything, the ethos of Orthodoxy is humility; the humility to say I am the chief of sinners, even though I've been baptized into the Church. Before we partake of the Eucharist, we pray the words of the thief on the cross: Remember me O Lord when you come into your kingdom. Christ answers him: Today you will be with me in paradise. The thief was not baptized in water, yet the Lord brought him into the ark. The key to our understanding of the exclusivity of the Church is to understand the role of the Church vs. the role of the Lord. The Church follows the head, Christ, and is commissioned to keep His commandments and make disciples of the whole world, teaching them also to obey His commandments. God the Father, however, judges the earth. Let us remember the words of Christ to Peter at the end of the Gospel of John. Peter wanted to know what will happen to John and whether he will live forever. Jesus lovingly reminds Peter, "If he lives forever, what is that to you? Follow me." When I find myself tempted to judge another Christian, whether my judgment of them is positive or negative, I am often reminded of Christ's words to Peter. At the end of the day, if this person or that person is canonized a saint in the Orthodox Church or not, what is that to me? Jesus calls me to follow Him. If God is everywhere present, may I have the eyes and ears to see Him in the prisoner, the outcast, and even, a man with an orange tan.
Forgive me, brother, for my boldness. I speak only as one who has had the same question. Please, keep writing and reflecting. Your journey is a call for all of us to go deeper, humbly and authentically.
This is incredibly well written. Thank you for such thoughtful reflections and sharing some of your own journey.
I met your friend here. It was like a divine moment. Your videos are what led me to convert 3 three years ago and I when I looked at him across the table we were setting and mentioned "gospel simplicity" we shared a knowing awe filled smile when he told me he knew you well. This was the day after his baptism. I missed you by 6 hrs. God keep you friend, He will lead you in the way you should go. Moments I've shared with your friend convince me God has a moment lined up for you that will fill that ache you have.
What a small world! Glad you two met.
Beautifully written. I resonate on the allure and the issues. 🙏
This is beautiful! Thank you for sharing!
My pleasure!
Positively beautiful my brother
Thank you!
Very beautifully written Austin. I can feel your frustration and sorrow. And I don’t know what to say about it. Christ is Risen. God bless you.